2 My Standards for Choosing a Wife
I recently moved my house，and，surprisingly enough，went from a single room shared by as many as five persons to a flat consisting of a bedroom and a chamber serving as both a study and a sitting room．Although I still have to share it with a housemate，my new lodging is something difficult to secure in Chongqing．After they were slightly furnished，the two rooms turned out to be rather tidy and elegant，all things considered．The bright windows and clean tables encouraged many friends to come and chat with me．All of my visitors maintained that anyone who had such a tidy and elegant house should have a wife as well．Soon the conversation turned to standards for choosing a wife．During our discussion，over twenty standards were composed and read as follows：
1．Since I am a Southerner brought up in the North，I would not want her to be a“Northerner with Southern looks”—this itemis negotiable．
2．Since I am devoted to literature，I would like her at least to be able to appreciate art as well as literature．
3．Since I am nearly forty years old，I would not want her to be under twenty-five．
4．Since I am a thin man，I would not want her to be stout．
5．Since I don't use facial creams and cosmetics，I would not want her to use too much rouge，powder and lipstick．
6．Since I have never worn Western-style clothes，I would not want her to wear them—such clothes make oriental women look ugly in nine and a half out of ten cases！
7．Since I have a few foreign friends，I would like her to know something about foreign languages．
8．Since I am a hospitable man，I would not want her to be a woman who always stands speechless in the presence of strangers．
9．Since I am discerning in my choice of guests，I would not want her to invite over many frivolous male and female friends，given to humming foreign ditties，chewing melon seeds and scattering orange peels all over the floor．
10．Since I am addicted to cleanliness，I would like her to be rather clean and tidy—at least not to mess up my books or soil my clothes and hats．
11．Since I loathe the smell of fragrant flowers，I would not want her to wear white magnolias or furnish the rooms with lilac，false spinae or anything of the sort．
12．Since I'm fond of quiet elegance，I would not want her to be dressed garishly or to use bad color combinations．I will never forget the two lines written by Mr．Huang Xintian[1]：“Whatever fits her figure will be all right，/ For dark and quiet colors will enhance her natural and tasteful style．”
13．I have enjoyed the great comforts of daily life（in clothing，food，housing and travel），but，as long as the War of Resistance against Japan continues，I won't say a single word about what made my life easy in the past．I think that，since we are forced to wander about and suffer various hardships，we should willingly accept the need for sacrifice．I would not want her，therefore，to moan and groan all day long，talking about“the good days when we were in Beijing，”asking“When will there be an end to the War？”or other nonsense of this sort．
14．Since I like to travel，I would not want traveling to be painful to her．
15．Since I like the sea，I would like her to be fond of swimming，too，and not to fear the winds from the sea．
16．Since I enjoy living in the mountains，I would not want her to dislike loneliness in the mountains．
17．Without going often to the theater，I like Beijing Opera；so I would not want her to regard our traditional theater as good-for-nothing．
18．Since I like to stare at beautiful women，whether in the flesh or in paintings，I hope that she will understand me on that score．Surely I will be understanding as well if she likes to“observe”good-looking men．
19．Being a man who is“imperturbable in the face of major events”（except when I find or touch one or two bedbugs，but this is by no means a major event），I would not want her to scream in the manner of a film star when something provokes minor alarmor fright．
20．I am rather critical in choosing posters for room decoration，and would not want her to hang vulgar pictures such as nudes or portraits of film stars on the walls above tables or beds．
21．I love the faint light that glows in the fireplace or the candle．I feel extremely happy while chatting idly by a dim light．I hope that she will be able to appreciate this sentiment and at least will not prefer strong and direct floodlight．
22．I like the sensation of tipsiness，and I find even more pleasure in chatting or writing when tipsy．Therefore，I would not want her to oppose moderate drinking．But whenever I go beyond two cups of cider，apple cider for example，five cups of white spirits or ten cups of yellow rice wine，please stop me，darling！
23．Since I grew up in the North，I am used to the odors of garlic and green Chinese onion．For this reason，I would not want her to hate such odors，even though she might not share my tastes．
24．Since I love music，I would not want her either to talk and laugh loudly or to doze off in the concert hall．
25．Since I am fond of animals，I would not want her to oppose my keeping of dogs or pigeons．
26．…
As I continued this narrative，a friend cut me short，saying，“You once made fun of a late friend who set twenty-six standards for choosing a wife．But now you yourself are going to break his record．”My reply is that my standards are in fact different from his，because instead of making presumptuous demands I am just bargaining on the capital I already own．Even though this doesn't mean“casting jade to attract jade，”what I'm doing is at least“casting a brick to attract another brick．”[2] There is nothing wrong with setting any number of standards．However，while I do object to some details as far as tastes and habits are concerned，I generally prefer to accept things as they are rather than become excessively preoccupied with my wife's appearance，disposition and aptitude for earning a living．
Well now，another friend said，“Too much similarity in tastes and habits prevents men and women from attracting one another and from living a fascinating life together．Besides，you are haggling over details in such a hairsplitting way that the only possible solution is for you to be changed into a woman so that you can become your own wife．”But good heavens！If I were a woman，I probably would have married long ago and would have two or three children already！
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[1] Huang Ren（1683-1768），also known as Huang Xintian，was a Chinese poet from Fujian province．Huang's works，reminiscent of late Tang poetry，were collected in a volume entitled The Autumn River．
[2] This figure of speech parodies the Chinese expression，“casting a brick to attract jade，”which is often used as a self-deprecating reference to one's own commonplace remarks，and means that these remarks are offered as an introduction so that those who hear them may come up with more valuable opinions．
